Robots and AI – Am I being replaced by a Robot?

Today’s thought provoking question is from Barry Barbara, a telephone salesperson from Belfast.

Dear Declan,

I work as a telephone salesperson at Buy-Buy-Buy. I have just found out that there is a 99.0% risk that my job will be taken over by a robot! This has come as something of a shock. I have just bought (on credit) a new fridge-freezer and booked a holiday in the Algarve for me and my extended family. What’s going to happen? Will a robot be sitting at my desk on Monday morning? Do they even need a seat? Is that what this is all about – my special seat for my bad back? Will I have to show it around the office? Do they have their own toilets?

Help me Declan Foxly, you’re my only hope!

Dear Barry,

Robots are the most amazing invention ever, well, invented. Aren’t they? From early wind-up toys to the lovable characters in Star Wars they can remove the repetitive drudgery out of manual tasks that have kept previous generations of skilled workers in gainful employment and a state of mental contentment for their entire adult lives.

declan foxly question and answers robots
We are in charge now

The latest robots seem a bit different. They are better looking, better dressed, more athletic, younger and they smell amazing. They come with a built in motivation mode, sadly lacking in most human workers. They never slack or have a dayoff sick. They can work day and night, weekends and even on Christmas day!

There is understandable and widespread fear that they will arrive in our lives, take our jobs, our woman, our men, our pets, our houses and yes, our office furniture.

Reasoning with a robot is almost impossible for an average person whose emotional inclinations render them unreasonable under the correct percentage of pressure plus a weighting (usually 2.5%). This could result in a combat situation. Even a highly skilled human (such as a Jujitsu Master) will lose in a fight with a robot. All robots now have a built in weaponise feature which can be self-triggered by the robot pressing its Nose/Knee/Foot simultaneously.

Declan Foxly robot smells amazing
Hello, I’m here to do all the work!

However, they do have an exploitable flaw. The music of the Scottish band Cocteau Twins which contains otherworldly language and space-age guitar sounds triggers a dream-mode in all latest generation robots.

This is only a temporary state and can be reversed by administrating the music of Stiff Little Fingers as an antedote.

Barry, the rise of Artificial Intelligence in all its guises is approaching a point of no return for all of us.

In the likely event that your job is replaced by a robot then your only short term option may be to enter a training and reconfiguration program to help you to become a robot too.

If you can’t beat them, join them!

BBC Will a robot take my job?